im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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