True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
