I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
