I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
