We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
