Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
