he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
