I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
