The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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