Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
