Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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