you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
