she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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