Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
