you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
