The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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