see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
