this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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