I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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