I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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