I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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