I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She's the barista slut.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize