Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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