I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
