i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
