I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
