on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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