I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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