It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
