I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize