I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
