guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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