I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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