i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
