i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
