Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
