please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
