Where did you get a picture of my penis
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
What drink are we having for lunch?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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