The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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