Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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