You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
