It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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