in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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