I think I won the penis lottery.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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