I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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