Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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