Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
