she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Say something about gay babies.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
