I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
