We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
