It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
