i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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