When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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