Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
