Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
