My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
