Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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